Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK