Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

“What?”
– Jude

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.