Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

CRYING

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?