@Elizasoul80

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

You Might Also Like

@skedaddle74

All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.

@quarenqueenlily

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

@pattymo

“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046

@SummerCandyEyes

The neighbor’s cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it’s now some weird interspecies potluck.

@Book_Krazy

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

@maryfairybobrry

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@ACartoonCat1

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

@slimmy_shady

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]