Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

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All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.


“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046


The neighbor’s cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it’s now some weird interspecies potluck.


Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?


All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.


Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.


*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.


“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.


Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]