Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you