Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
LMAO
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence