Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.