Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.