Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
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[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Note to self: always read the final line
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you