Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
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Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”