Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day