Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.