Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.