Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas