Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.