Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.