Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*