Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure