Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.