Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
The Struggle
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Interior design 👌
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…