Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
You Might Also Like
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.