Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.