Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You Might Also Like
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Sunday
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.