Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Well, this certainly took a turn

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Never be a pizza!

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”