magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji