magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.