magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?