MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
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My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Growing up was a huge mistake
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?