Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.