Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.