Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
ACED my prostate exam!
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.