Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

How times have changed.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

went fishing caught a bass

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.