Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside