Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Ugh

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW