Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.