Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.