Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do