Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead