Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.