Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You Might Also Like
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that