MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I can’t wait!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something