MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”