Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

next question.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.