Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?