Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

I got soap in my shower beer again.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)