Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.