Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

sistine chapel

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.