Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once