Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

I have two kinds of followers

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

this could fix me

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”