Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]