MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
i will not be silenced
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.