MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
making my dog give me my pills
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
they should create new variants of dopamine
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
yeah no that’s fair
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you