Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe