Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Perfection.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

I am never leaving this website

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.