MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
choose your gary
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
This is a true ally.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this