Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.