Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.