Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
You Might Also Like
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
a lot to unpack here
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.