Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

A game married people play.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]