Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Autocarrot sucks!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?