Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pep talk

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down