Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Oh no

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.