Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly