Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The future is now.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”