Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Bring back the McRib

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?