Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you