Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT