MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad