Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.