Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise