Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Not my job 😂

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Asking the real questions!

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

rapatouille

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…