Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar