Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Hmmmmmmm….

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

constantly working on myself.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what