Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.