Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape