Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes