Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Brb my Sims are getting married

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

ibopfufen

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE