Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Animal poetry

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Well, this certainly took a turn

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home