Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink