MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I need to sieze this.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.