Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Life cycle of cat

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”