MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
SONOFA
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.