Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Tough love is true love

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.