MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Anime is real
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”