Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Living the best life.. 😊

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.