magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.