Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship